Humour: June 2003 Archives

5 Questions, 60 Minutes.

You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the exam.

1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c.

In Joe's rest frame, how much does God now love Bob?

2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with sheep S.

a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following the act if the sheep was not willing?

b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being willing, could not be said to mind either?

3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe.

At what time t will Sue be saved?
(Hint: Assume a point soul.)

4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an alligator at time t.

What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.?

5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything.

a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?

b. (10 pts.)Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't so damn smug now, is he?

Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?

Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.

In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

Our roving photographer recently snapped these poor monkeys plight at an arcade in the fashionable resort of Blackpool. We at NOFEAR.ORG recognise the inhumanity of treatment these stuffed creatures were receiving and fully support the ongoing boycott of Blackpool and all Blackpool related products; "Kiss Me Quick" hats and so on and so forth.

However, click on the thumbnail if you want a better look...

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much  he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.  The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.  But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself,  trying to reassure him:  Bob, don't worry about it.  You aren't the first  doctor to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.  You're single.  Let it go ....