Humour: April 2003 Archives

This was sent in by an avid reader from Comberton, near Cambridge UK. He tells me he took the photo somewhere in Norwich.

[ see bottom (oo-er!) for disclaimer ]

KUWAIT CITY -- Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein has been caught with his pants down -- literally. A shocking 1968 porn film has surfaced, in which the flamboyant strongman appears performing raunchy homosexual acts!

The image quality of the grainy 16mm film, uncovered by the Kuwaiti secret police, is poor -- but experts who've taken a close look at the hairy-chested actor are "100 percent certain" it is a younger, trimmer Saddam.

"There is no doubt in my mind that this is Saddam -- there's no mistaking those eyes and that distinctive nose," declares Hussein biographer Sadiq al-Sabah of Kuwait, who's seen the eye-popping footage first-hand.

"It may be hard to believe that a man who now leads one of the most powerful nations in the Middle East once acted in blue movies, but to anyone familiar with how reckless and sexually promiscuous Saddam was in his youth, this will come as no surprise. It's also a known fact that the young, desperate soldier did anything for money.

"Saddam appeared in as many as 85 of these films under a variety of stage names, most frequently Omar Studdif," reveals the researcher.

Still photographs from the sizzling XXX-rated film, La'iba al-Waladaani (The Two Boys Played), were leaked to a Kuwait news magazine after authorities found it amid a stash of illicit porn in the vault of a recently deceased sheik.

Release of the pictures has resulted in howls of protest from Baghdad.

"President Hussein is the manliest of men. He would never behave in such a repugnant manner," says an Iraqi spokesman. "This is CIA propaganda."

But rumors that Saddam appeared in gay porn films in his younger days have dogged him for decades and almost torpedoed his political career when he was a rising star in the ruling Baath Socialist party.

"He was able to squelch the rumors in the past, but now it looks like the Kuwaitis have found the smoking gun," says a State Department source.

Al-Sabah claims that Saddam, then a struggling law student, acted in porn to make ends meet -- and because he was addicted to gay sex.

In the newly uncovered 86-minute prison flick, Saddam, then just 34, plays a naive young peasant who is wrongly convicted and sent to jail. He is initiated into homosexuality by a series of older and more experienced cons.

"Saddam's acting in the picture is actually quite good," al-Sabah notes. "One scene, in which he buries his face in a pillow and cries, is so touching you almost can forget you're watching a low-budget sexploitation film." -- By MIKE FOSTER

[ this was from the Weekly World News - the same source that brought us the timetravelling stockbroker story. - Believe it and risk being mocked by all and sundry]

The Ananova journalists appear to be tiring of war stories, as this report filed earlier today shows:

ANANOVA- An animated clip of Kermit the Frog rolling a cannabis joint is being circulated by email in Chile.

The clip shows Kermit teaching new cannabis users how to roll a joint, reports Las Ultimas Noticias online.

The email is believed to have been created as a joke but advertiser Paula Rojas says it could damage the image of the children's character.

She said: "I have seen many characters being used in a improper way but it is the first time I've seen a children's character being used to promote drugs.

"That is serious. And unfortunately there is nothing anyone can do to stop it."

A spokesman for Disney Chile, who hold the rights to the frog's image in Chile, said: "Kermit is one of the most famous characters we have, it is not a surprise to us that his image is being used in such way."

This of course gives me an excuse to post the kermit and bigbird stoned mp3 I've had lying around here!

Following on from my mention of the book Catch-22 yesterday, here is a classic black comedy. This is as relevant today as it was when it was released at the height of the cold war 40 years ago. Full of biting satire, guaranteed to amuse, and with the most chilling of conclusions.

As an IMDB reviewer remarked a few months ago:

"Just for a moment imagine as the camera looks up at the dramatically lit face of General George W. Bush as he chews on a pretzel and says the following 'I can no longer sit back and allow terrorist infiltration, terrorist indoctrination, terrorist subversion and the international terrorist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious...bodily fluids.' It has a certain, awful sense of familiarity doesn't it?"

Hello? ... Ah ... Hello, Dm... ah ... Hello, Dmitri? ... Listen, ah, I can't hear too well. Do you suppose you could turn down the music just a little? ... Oh-ho, that's much better. ... yeah ... ha ... yes ... Fine, I can hear you now, Dmitri. ... Clear and plain and coming through fine. ... I'm coming through fine, too, eh? ... Good, then ... well, then, as you say, we're both coming through fine. ... Good. ... Well, it's good that you're fine and ... and I'm fine. ... I agree with you, it's great to be fine. ... a-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Now then, Dmitri, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb. ... The bomb , Dmitri. ... The hydrogen bomb! ... Well now, what happened is ... ah ... one of our base commanders had a sort of ... well, he went a little funny in the head ... you know ... just a little ... funny. And, ah ... he went and did a silly thing. ... Well, I'll tell you what he did. He ordered his planes ... to attack your country... Ah... Well, let me finish, Dmitri. ... Let me finish, Dmitri. ... Well listen, how do you think I feel about it?! ... Can you imagine how I feel about it, Dmitri? ... Why do you think I'm calling? Just to say hello? ... Of course I like to speak to you! ... Of course I like to say hello! ... Not now, but anytime, Dmitri. I'm just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened... It's a friendly call. Of course it's a friendly call. ... Listen, if it wasn't friendly ... you probably wouldn't have even got it. ... They will not reach their targets for at least another hour. ... I am ... I am positive, Dmitri. ... Listen, I've been all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick. ... Well, I'll tell you.

We'd like to give your air staff a complete run-down on the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the planes. ... Yes! I mean i-i-i-if we're unable to recall the planes, then ... I'd say that, ah ... well, ah ... we're just gonna have to help you destroy them, Dmitri. ... I know they're our boys. ... All right, well listen now. Who should we call? ... Who should we call, Dmitri? The ... wha-whe, the People... you, sorry, you faded away there. ... The People's Central Air Defense Headquarters. ... Where is that, Dmitri? ... In Omsk. ... Right. ... Yes. ... Oh, you'll call them first, will you? ... Uh-hu ... Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dmitri? ... Whe-ah, what? I see, just ask for Omsk information. ... Ah-ah-eh-uhm-hm ... I'm sorry, too, Dmitri. ... I'm very sorry. ... All right , you're sorrier than I am, but I am as sorry as well. ... I am as sorry as you are, Dmitri! Don't say that you're the more sorry than I am, because I'm capable of being just as sorry as you are. ... So we're both sorry, all right?! ... All right. ...

Gosh, they even have a national anthem in Canada eh?

The Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen

Our Country wreaks of trees
Our yaks are really large
And they smell like rotting beef carcasses
And we have to clean up after them
And our saddle soars are the best
We proudly wear woman's clothing
And searing sand blows up our skirts
And the buzzards, they soar overhead
And poisonous snakes will devour us whole
Our bones will bleach in the sun
And we will probably go to *thbppth*
And that is our great reward
For being the-uh Ro-yal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen

[ As I have a *lot* of relatives in Canada, thought perhaps I should find a bit about their country eh? ]

I IS A NEWFOUNDLANDER!

Hey
I'm not on pogey,
and I'm not married to my sister.
I don't eat cod fish tree touimesh a day,
well dat's cuz dere ain't no more cod fish left.
I don't own a boat or a sowester,
but I can see a boat from me window.
I don't drink screech,
at least before noon on a weekday anywaysh.
I don't know Gordon Pincent, or Mary Walsh, or Jimmy Flynn, or Rick Mercer,
but I watch Dis Hour Has 22 Minutes every week eh.
I got a premer named Brian Tobin,
he went to war with Spain over sumin called a turbet,
Ain't sure what a turbet acshly,
but I'm damned if I'm gonna let any goy frum Spain come and take dem away frum me.
I ain't the boy that builds da boats,
and I ain't de boy that sails em,
but like I said before I can see a boat from ma window eh.
I don't dance a jig everytime I hear Celtic music,
but I'll do dat Karaokee ting if I got enough Black Forest Beers in me.
I'm still pissed off at Prince Edward Oilasnd,
for buildin at dere bridge and not buildin one out to the rock them stupid spud heads.
And even though he ain't really a Newfie,
I think Stompin Tom Conors should run for Proime Minister.
Newfoundland is the oldest settlement in Nort America,
and the youngest province in confederation,
Oh my grandfudder's still pissed off about dat one,
you don't even wanna talk about Joey Smallwood to grampa.
And even though I lives in fort McMurray,
Lord tunderin Jeshus,
I still tinks that Newfoundland is the best darn province in the cuntry.
My name is Buddy,
and I is a Newfoundlander.