Humour: March 2003 Archives

Cast : Duke of Kent : Adrian Petty, Duke of Gloucester : Chris Smith, Edmund (Bastard Son to Gloucester) : Graham Hughes

The scene is set in a castle, or similar. [Enter Kent, Gloucester, and Edmund].

Kent : I thought the king had more affected the Duke of Albany than Cornwall.

Gloucester : It did always seem so to us; but now, in the division of the kingdom, it appears not which of the dukes he values most; for equalities are so weighed that curiosity in neither can make choice of either's moiety.

Kent : Is not this your son, my lord?

Gloucester : Sir, this young fellow's mother could; whereupon she grew round-wombed, and had, indeed, sir, a son for her cradle ere she had a husband for her bed. Do you smell a fault?

Kent : I cannot wish the fault undone, the issue of it being so proper.

Gloucester : But I have a son, sir, by order of law, some years elder than this, who yet is no dearer in my account; though this knave came somewhat saucily into the world before he was sent for, yet was his mother fair; there was good sport at his making, and the whoreson must be acknowledged. Do you know this noble gentleman, Edmund?

Edmund : No, my lord.

Gloucester : My Lord of Kent; remember him hereafter as my honourable friend.

Kent : I must love you, and sue to know you better.

Edmund : Sir, I shall study deserving.

Gloucester : He hath been out nine years, and away he shall again. The King is co..

[They all leap to the floor and mime epileptic fits]

Most obvious comment award of the day goes to Tony Blair:

From the Reuters Newswire:

"Tony Blair has predicted that coalition forces will emerge victorious from their campaign against Saddam Hussein's Iraqi forces."

Do not forget it wasn't just the French that threatened the veto at the United Nations, the Russians too were willing to use their 'no vote'.

I propose Russian Roulette henceforth be known as "Freedom Roulette'

Some of you (if you're reading in the UK) may recall a lively programme broadcast 12 years ago on BBC 2 entitled 'The Mary Whitehouse Experience'.

They had numerous sketches of topical interest, one that springs to mind was their how to be discreet when posting valentines cards. Posting from far away locations was good, because it would be more mysterious to the recipient.

Cue John Cole saying "I'm here in Baghdad, but there's no bloody postboxes left!". Anyway, they produced a book, and it had a popup picture of baghdad. Well with the wonders of digital technology, experience this popup picture in all it's glory. Plus ça change, plus c'est la méme chose eh?

So there I was, fiddling around with the msn.co.uk site, and it was practically begging me to update my profile. Well it asks for details of some of my favourite things. Well being a country lad, I like being woken up to a good cock-a-doodle-doo in the morning, but Noooooo, Microsoft disaproves of my being woken up at the crack of dawn with "cocks crowing".

The error it brings up makes it seem oh so shameful. "..not allowed "COCKS". Please rephrase the following section or leave it blank: Favourite Things".

Still, it appears to be a rather basic word filter, as it seemed perfectly happy with my other favourite things:

Felching, orgies, vibrators, jizz, orgasm, fresh creamy spunk, cheesy helmet flakes, ringpieces and bearded clams.

Which is nice. [™]

To be try and bring some impartiality into my recent fulminating about the USA (and in particular those in support of the alternately-gifted at the CIA), here are some things closer to home.

First up is probably one of the most underused forms in British Bureaucracy, for I present the CLE301/4, the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency's form for DIY squealers. Yes you too can snitch on your friends and colleagues for having no car tax.

It would be a fun thing to use to annoy ones less law-abiding neighbours, were it not for the smallprint at the bottom of the form:

"PLEASE NOTE: In submitting this statement to DVLA for action, you should be aware that in some circumstances you may be called to appear in court as a witness. In addition a copy of this statement will be sent to the alleged offender before the case is heard." mmm...

Still tempted? Click HERE to download a PDF copy.

Ever since my mid-teens I have been puzzling over this next one, for it is BOX 5 of the European Union E111 form. For those too poor to afford private health insurance but zooming around Europe on their hols (like I was in my teens), the E111 is a certificate of Entitlement to Health Services in other European countries.

So this mysterious box 5? What is it about? Well.. it has space for your address that is for sure.. but wait, don't fill it in. Don't you know, it can only be filled in by COMPETENT FRENCH INSTITUTIONS FOR NON-OCCUPATIONAL ACCIDENTS SUSTAINED BY SELF-EMPLOYED FARMERS.

Download a copy of the E111 form.(Irish version I'm afraid. You can only get the UK one from the postoffice).

Ignoring the obvious oxymoron there, what in the name of God is that all about?

You have the comments section below. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this one.

Truly shocking (almost as much as the Andy Williams track I am listening to right now).

It would appear the good folks over at dribbleglass.com have unearthed a paedophile scandal of monsterous proportions over at the Willy Wonka Factory.

They cite the following "...children are also lured to the Wonka factory by promises of sweets. Once inside, children begin to disappear almost immediately. Their disappearances are never adequately explained, and ironically, the Oompa Loompas now at the center of all the controversy have the audacity to sing after each child disappears.."

If that were not enough, they quote lines from a recent documentary at the factory. Allow me to reprint just a few:

Mr. Salt: "Hang on, darling! Just close your eyes and hang on tight!"

Violet Beauregarde: "It's hot and creamy. I can actually feel it running down my throat!"

Mr. Salt: "Hold on! Veruca, sweetheart, Daddy's coming!"

Mrs. Teevee: "Oh, my dress, my hair, my face! I'm sending you the cleaning bill, Mr. Wonka!"

Wonka: "Well, fortunately small boys are extremely springy and elastic."

Like I said.. truly shocking. Yet another childhood memory washed up on that rocky shore of broken dreams.

Read the complete article here.