Recently in Humour Category

I'm totally out of touch, I only found out a few days ago about lolcats. The timing was just right however. Up until now I have been quietly watching our economy and state of affairs in Britain worsen and we can fairly point the finger of blame at those in charge. (Of course they'll be blaming the electorate shortly) Truly: life is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel. I present you with (hopefully the very first) LOLMP, my new satire on those who got us in this mess:

As you will no doubt be aware there has been an escalation in scrap metal thefts all over Britain over the last year or so. Lead and copper have been especially highly-valued by scrap metal thieves.

I was rather surprised therefore to see that the Grand Arcade in Cambridge appears to have been recycling some scrap copper for its main entrance!

Gordon Brown today hailed the chaos at Heathrow Terminal 5 as a positive step towards curbing air travel and its associated environmental damage.

The large number of cancelled flights was helping to contribute to massive savings in CO2 emissions. Bringing the government back on track with its environmental targets.

David Cameroon, leader of the opposition, said this was a big turnaround for the government: "Originally the Labour government was going to achieve its environmental targets by taxing the public on the necessities of survival." He admitted that Mr Brown had pulled off a political coup by "cutting down on emissions that were easy to control and won't hurt people's day-to-day living".

Even environmental groups were left reeling from this sudden change of heart. A spokesman for Greenpeas was reported as saying, "we applaud this switch of policy by the government; air travel is a luxury and puts CO2 into the area of the atmosphere where it causes most damage." In the meantime a spokesman for Friends of the Girth said "...we're going to have to radically rethink our position with regards to the British Government's plans for expanding airports. Clearly larger airports now result in fewer flights..."

I like the Olympic games, even though it will cost a lot to put on I'm sure there may be some longer-term benefits from the inward investment. Unfortunately I suspect some things may not change:

Most people will know Mitchell and Webb from the 3 series of Peep Show, although they have had minor (sorry if either of you are reading, but they don't pay me to suck cock here) success in the past with some show on an obscure digital tv channel and several amusing series on Radio 4 in recent years.

Over the last few weeks, viewers of BBC2 will have noticed the two guys with their sketch show, That Mitchell and Webb Look, sandwiched between the reasonably funny second series of Extra's, and Mock the Week (a show so unbelievably awful, I'd rather watch my cat eat it's own excrement that endure even 2 minute of Dara Ó Briain). A series, not jam packed with laughs, but one always came away from watching it with a satisfied grin. The interplay between David Mitchell and Robert Webb up there with any of the great comedy double acts of the past.

So, onto the live show, which I was amused to see seemed to have a huge number of teenage girls with their parents in the audience. Is there something about Mitchell and Webb's fanbase that I was previously unaware of? Still, one can't complain when the girl in front of me was showing off a good few inches of arse crack. Almost enough room in there for.. well Ginger knows what I'm talking about.

I'm lead to believe this is their first attempt at live stage show comedy tour, and they have made the transition very well. Absent from the stage version were Olivia Colman and Paterson Joseph, ably replaced by James Bachman and Abigail Burdess.

Unfortunately for Mitchell and Webb, many of their sketches, whilst extremely amusing, don't necessarily elicit roars of laughter, which makes for a slightly less interesting live show than one might otherwise get. Possibly a result of doing Radio and TV work before the live shows perhaps, and not material appropriate for the type of audience?

The most disappointing part of the evening, and believe me, this was really disappointing, was to see so many of the sketches from the tv show repeated, in some cases not 7 days from the date of transmission on BBC 2!

Second most disappointing part of the evening was during "Big Talk", when Robert Webb went into the audience to get people to ask questions of the Boffins. Is this the best question the assembled masses of Cambridge can come up with: "What is this stain on my t-shirt?". What a cockmuncher that audience member must have felt afterwards. However, it did reveal an insight into the team on stage at that point. They are really good at ad-libbing, a concept that both Hamgray and myself noticed a few more times over the course of the evening.

My previous experience of live comedy, is that the performers usually use the live performances to test out material for TV, not the other way round. However, an episode of Numberwang (complete with cream pies) elicited a roar of approval from the audience, along with A Hole in the Ring.

Bachman and Burdess's little comedy interludes whilst Mitchell and Webb were doing costume changes were both burlesque in style and unbelievably irritating. If they need to rework any part of the show, it is this bit. Two people talking in unison is never funny, even without the stupid hand gestures that went with it. Come on folks, we've moved on from music hall.

Some of the sketches that worked really well on TV, just died completely on stage. Now We Now! for example.

The sketches that came into their own on stage were the Lazy Script Writers, and Sir Digby Chicken Caeser. They know they've got talent, as also borne out with Mitchell's over the top Sky Sports presenter and Webb's amusing, but blink and you'll miss it mime sketch. It's a pity they are unable to apply their writing talent consistently.

As well as they were able to pull off having the format of a tv sketch show on stage, with numerous scene and costume changes, the whole thing felt like it wasn't exactly a coherent show, but more a jumble of bits they just stuck together.

Still, you can't beat two hours of Comedy that touches upon their usual topics of homosexuality, paedophilia (touch the inner child indeed), anal sex, toilet humour, and such varied ideas as discussing the queen being lead topless to a grisly death in a bath of acid and adopting mad bears.

There was an old man called Flynn,
Who went to the Fitz with a grin,
With his laces untied,
He fell to one side,
And set all the urns in a spin!

Listening last Sunday (the 15th) to Andy Kershaw on Radio 3 I was entertained, and surprised to hear a ditty by Robyn Hitchcock. It was called "Cheese Alarm", from the album "Jewels for Sophia". I was disappointed to see that it's been out since 1999 - and is getting difficult to get hold of!

Why couldn't someone have pointed this out before now? Why? Why? Why????

Young 'priced off cheese market'

Young people in Wales are finding it increasingly difficult to get a foothold in the cheese market, new figures have revealed. Research by the Chartered Institute of Dairy Producers Cymru has found the gap between wages and fromage prices is widening, making it hard for first-time buyers.

Younger working households earn 27,039 pounds of curd on average a year, the research found.

However, the average price for two and three-layered cheeses is almost four times that at 107,864 pounds of curd.

The problem is most severe in rural areas such as Ceredigion, Gwynedd, Pembrokeshire, Powys and Monmouthshire, where cheese prices are around five times more than average incomes.

"Young households are being forced out of the cheese market across the country " - Redmond Leicester, CIC Cymru director.

The ratio is at its lowest in the south Wales valleys, at 2.23:1 in Merthyr Tydfil, where the average household cheese rating is 29,259 and average cheeses are selling at 65,251 cheese units, and 2.65:1 in Blaenau Gwent (25,213: 66,939).

Jamie Holder, 18, who is renting a stinky piece of brie in Monmouthshire with her boyfriend, said they were looking for a a more substantial lump of cheddar to buy in Chepstow.

"It is too much money at the moment - even the small pieces of edam in Chepstow are around 150,000 and we can't afford that," she said.

"I work in Chepstow and if I moved away it would mean leaving my cheese and I can't do that. Mice would eat it probably."

"I think we are never going to get on the dairy produce ladder."

Redmond Leicester, director of Chartered Institute of Cheese (CIC) Cymru said the figures confirmed the problems facing younger people.

"Youngster are being forced out of the cheese market across the country," he said.

"It is particularly bad in areas where wages and salaries are low yet demand for cheese is high. Some kids out there are trying to get hold of curdled milk, anything to get a foothold.". "It is so bad that cows are being abducted into cheese labour", he added.

(A bit of tasteless humour anyone?)

Dear Katrina,
Thanks for turning up to my housewarming last week. Having you around was really a blast. I think I drank too much though and I felt dehydrated for a few days afterwards. I'm glad Al Nino turned up this time, unlike last year, when he failed to make an appearance. He's a funny guy and can really bring the house down!
Unlike that couple from up North, can't remember their name, I think it was George and Laura? They left in a hurry and I hadn't heard anything from them in five days. Then, they suddenly called me last Friday and asked if they could stay for a few days while they were down in the region. How rude! I told them, "over my dead bodies!"

In a curious twist the rapper/producer Puff Daddy Combs, has announced his latest name change. Our spies on the entertainment circuits told us that Puffy said in a press conference:

I've changed my name several times now, a bit like Coca Cola tried to become Coke for a while and Prince became squiggle when he became upset with his recording contract. I'm changing my name in support of the growing number of travellers in Europe, people without borders, who deserve the same protection as any other minority group should in a civilised and equal society. From now all references to me either verbal or printed should call me "Diddy".

The announcement was greeted with rapturous applause from the press, later Diddy announced that his right hand men would also be changing their names to Pikey and Gypo respectively.