August 2007 Archives

It’s 5 years since nofear.org went live and not without coincidence 10 years since the ‘death’ of Princess Diana.

We will now tell the tale of the Princess and how she died not 10 years ago in a Parisian underpass, but in actual fact 5 years ago in more bizarre circumstances.

The reality is that the death in the tunnel was as many people suspect a sham, designed to stop further media intrusion into Diana’s life. This freed her up to take up her real obsession, the consumption of cheese.

Many people the world over have wondered why cheese often seems to disappear from communal fridges. It is a common occurrence caused by a common compulsion; the desire to consume dairy produce en masse.

The Princess of Wales suffered from this addiction, and it eventually led to the end of her marriage to Charles. Incredibly, through the use of gym memberships and the many and varied public functions into which she graced her presence, she was able to disguise and sate her ailment.

When, via her vast array of contacts, she discovered the underground sport of competitive cheese eating. Thus, in 1997 she disappeared from the world in the official version of events to pursue her true desire, to attain the title of Grand Cheese Eater - First Class.

In order to compete for the above spot Diana had to consume vast amounts of cheese as part of her training. Ultimately the training would reach a peak prior to meeting the current holder of the title.

Thus it was that in August 2002 at the camp site at Comberton (Cambridgeshire, UK) Diana appeared to take on the shadowy Mr Ongar. A disguise was hardly required, Diana now weighed 15 stone and had the natural cheesy complexion of a milk maid. Three people were needed to help Diana climb aboard Mr Ongar’s Winnebago, and three people were required to carry her out again.

The competition consisted of a race to eat an entire round of a cheese, the type determined by the current title holder. Conveniently the only people to be permitted to be present at such an event are the two competitors and a judge from the Masonic Guild of Dairy Manufacturers. Rumours about the exact details of the night abound however several facts have been established:

1. Mr Ongar selected a mature Stilton as the type of cheese to be devoured in the competition.

2. The competition resulted in the actual death of the Princess.

3. Due to the death the competitions have been driven deeper into the underground, and have probably been suspended.

4. A last minute bequest to the judge by Diana resulted in the now uniform medical advice to cut down on dairy products.

So now the world knows the truth…

Newly-exploded into our world,
you’re a jack-in-the-box baby,
lolling at ease now, like an ocean buoy,
oblivious to onlookers and to clocks.

You made your entry with the éclat
of a snooker pro, scattering
multi-coloured balls in all
directions – a masterly first break.

These tumbling spheres are your cells,
doubling and redoubling in cascade
to create new angles – shots I’ll struggle
to make, your playing-partner, your parent.

When your father placed your basket
gently on the path, searching for door keys,
it tethered us all under the marquee
of your perpetual party: anchored, like nomads.

Lucy Lewis

So here it is, my highly economic fixed speed bicycle. It’s environmentally friendly too as I’m reusing my old Triumph Tempest steel frame.

As you can see if you click on the picture the pedals seat and handlebars have been reused as well. The rear brake has gone, and the front brake is now reinstalled minus the (so called) suicide bar, a new brake cable was installed as the old one was discovered to be fraying!

I was keen to ride this to our regular monkey lunch meeting despite the rain. I rode fairly carefully and not too fast as this was the first time I’d ridden such a bike; well since being a child anyway.

What a revelation! I thought it would be interesting, but I didn’t expect it to be the great ride that it turned out to be. For a start the old steel frame doesn’t judder like modern aluminium frames seem to, giving a more supple and comfortable ride. True, this will be the same as before it was a fixie. Riding the bike is pretty easy really. Starting and stopping are the only bits that remind you that you are riding fixed speed. The most interesting bit is the level of control you get especially when I was riding slowly through the pedestrianised bit of the roads around Market Square. It is really easy to vary your speed accurately as long as you remain within the bounds of how much acceleration or deceleration are required.

I took the bike along the river; through a small flood which caused me to get my feet wet, and then up the slope to the Newmarket Road Tesco. This was a reasonable climb for this neck of the woods, and it wasn’t too bad at all. I’ve been told going down a steep hill at speed (and presumably trying to stop!) is the thing to watch out for so I will report back when I’ve had a controlled attempt at this sort of descent.

I will probably invest a little more time/money on the bike now. A new front tyre is required as the current one is horribly perished. I may also install clipless pedals, lights, and possibly a holder for the GPS or a simple bike computer. I don’t really want to have too much bumph on the bike as simplicity is really the key here.

It's been a while since I've posted an update on this subject. I've been incredibly busy, but have made some progress on the Triumph Tempest that - as part of my midlife cycling crisis - I'm converting into a fixed speed bike.

Below you can see the photo of the current frame/wheels. The nice people at Mike's Bikes sold me the kit to modify the rear wheel to fixed single-speed. The wheels have come from Doug who cunningly sourced them from someone who was throwing away a whole bunch of bike related stuff, how he knew I needed 27" wheels I don't know. Either way the replacement by these nice rims from the original rusted and bent (from a couple of thousand miles of London cycling with no maintenance) have really made all the difference to the conversion, and we thank him for that!

Also gone are the brown foam bar covers, and the cranks and bottom bracket. The front brake will go back on, minus the suicide bar. New pedals, possibly clipless, bearings, cranks and chain all need to go back.

The big question is whether I maintain the original paintwork, or repaint?There are a couple of patches of surface rust that need dealing with, but apart from that the paintwork is good if not immaculate. Any comments on this?