Orson Welles and Brian Johnston

Here is the complete transcript to the Orson Welles recording:

Orson: "We know a remote farm in Lincolnshire, where Mrs. Buckley lives. Every July, peas grow there." Do you really mean that?

Director: Yeah, so in other words, I'd-I'd start half a second lat...

Orson: Don't you think you really want to say July over the snow? Isn't that the fun of it?

Director: It's-it-if you could-if you could make it almost when that shot disappears, it'll make much...

Orson: I think it's so nice that you see a snow covered field and say, Every July, peas grow there. "We know a remote farm, in Lincolnshire, where Mrs. Buckley lives. Every July, peas grow there." We aren't even in the fields, you see.

Director: Yeah, we aren't.

Orson: We're talking about 'em growing, and she's picked 'em.

Director: Yeah.

Orson: What?

Director: On "in July."

Orson: I don't understand you then. When must, what must be over for July?

Director: Um, when we get out of that snowy field.

Orson: But I was out. We were onto a can of peas, a big dish of peas when I said "in July".

Director: Well, I'm sorry...

Orson: Yes, always! I'm always p-past that!

Director: You are.

Orson: Yes! Well that's about where I say "in July."

Other: Could you emphasize a bit "In", "In July"?

Orson: Why? That doesn't make any sense. Sorry. There's no known way of saying an English sentence in which you begin a sentence with "in" and emphasize it. Get me a jury and show me how you can say "In July" and I'll go down on you. That's just idiotic, if you'll forgive me by saying so. That's just stupid... "In July"; I'd love to know how you emphasize "In" in "In July". Impossible! Meaningless!

Director: I think all they were thinking about was that they didn't want
to-

Orson: He isn't thinking.

Director: Orson, can we just do one last-

Orson: Yeah?

Director: It was my fault. I said "in July". If you could leave "every July"...

Orson: You didn't say it, he said it. Your friend. "Every July?"

Director: So, after the shot-

Orson: No, you don't really mean "every July". But that's a, that's bad copy, it's "in July", it, of course it's "every July". There's too much directing around here. Norway. Fish fingers, Nor... Findus Norway. "We know a certain fjord in Norway, near where the cod gather in great shoals. There, Janst, ah, Stangeland, shit.

Director: A fraction more on that "shoals" thing, because you rolled it around very nicely.

Orson: Yeah, roll it round and I have no more time. You don't know what I'm up against. Because it's full of, of, of things that are only correct because they're grammatical, but they're tough on the ear, you see. This is a very wearying one. It's unpleasant to read. Unrewarding. "Because Findus freeze the cod at sea, and then add a crumb-crisp" Ooh, "crumb-crisp coating." Ahh,
that's tough, "crumb-crisp coating." I think, no, because of the way it's written, you need to break it up, because it's not, it's not as conversationally written. What?

Director: Take "crumb" out.

Orson: Take "crumb" out. Good. Here, under protest, is beefburgers. "We know a little place in the American Far West, where Charlie Briggs chops up the finest prairie-fed beef and tastes. This is a lot of shit, you know that. You want one more? One more on the beef?

Director: You missed the first "beef", actually, completely.

Orson: What do you mean missed it?

Director: You were emphasizing "prairie-fed"...

Orson: But you can't emphasize "beef", that's like his wanting me to emphasize "in" before "July"! Come on, fellows, you're losing your heads! I wouldn't direct any living actor like this in Shakespeare! The way you do this, it's impossible!

Director: Orson, you did six last year, and by far and away the best, and I know the reason-

Orson: The right reading for this is the one I'm giving it.

Director: At the moment.

Orson: I spend... twenty times more for you people than any other commercial I've ever made. You are such pests! Now what is it you want? In your... depths of your ignorance, what is it you want? Whatever it is you want, I can't deliver, 'cause I just don't see it.

Director: That was absolutely fine, it really was.

Orson: It isn't worth it. No money is worth this... [walks out]